FROM: The Board
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for LVS, we have been forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to go on an early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who will represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as Retired Aged People Early (RAPE).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the Department, and provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers (SCREW).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be known as Study of Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but SHAFTED as many times as the Department deems appropriate.
If the employee follows the above procedure he, or she, will be entitled to receive Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the Department.